Since Papa's absence for over nine months now, I have been experiencing fluctuating emotions. One moment, I feel an overwhelming wave of intense sadness, taud-taud, I'd feel a glimmer of hope as I recall all the good memories I shared with him. Sa tinud-anay lang jud, navigating these shifting emotional states requires big adjustment (wala ko naprepare), as I transition between these contrasting feelings, makaingon ko usahay nga nabuang naman siguro ko oi (exaggeration lang ni ha?), pero it's like there is an on-off switch triggered randomly, nga if dili pa ko ana kalig-on, hagbay nakong nahugno. The process of grieving, I must warn you, demands resilience and adaptation, ug dako ayo akong paghanga sa akong Mama who has been going through this phase, mostly on her own, and my sister during her most heightened emotional state being pregnant, both of them are so strong, healing and adjusting to life nga wala na jud si Papa.
Wala na jud si Papa--kani lang ba, I would have easily navigated this phase, like any other new experience, kung naa unta to si Papix, he who would have been the one to guide me through this unfamiliar territory. Unya kay tungod naman nuon nya that I am confronted with this challenge. Kani jud si Papa.
In one of many emotional conversations, Mama and I both realized that Papa would no longer be with us for the rest of our lives. Imagine, hantud sa hantud na ni, wala na jud si Papa. It was immediately in that moment of realization that a profound sense of emptiness filled us. Haw-ang kaayo.
His death not only introduced me to a different rollercoaster of emotions but also unexpectedly brought clarity. It somehow reconfigured my settings, allowing me to reevaluate and focus more on the things, activities, or relationships that truly matter. To find balance, I made the decision to distance myself from few people, conserving my social energy and focusing on meaningful connections. I also lost interest in most things that I now realize I was only interested in because Papa was deeply involved in them, such as politics, basketball, and his other interests. Perhaps, without Papa providing his insights, I would feel lost in those topics.
After his death, I have also come to understand the intensity of grief. Although I have experienced losses before--lolo ug lola from both sides, uncles, and cousins, none have felt as overwhelmingly devastating as the loss of my father. It truly puzzles me why this particular loss affects me in such a profound way, completely altering my perspective on life and death. I used to wonder how people would react to the loss of a loved one. In fact, two years ago, I came across a completely unfamiliar person online who shared her grief over losing her brother unexpectedly in an accident. I remember following her posts as she openly expressed her stories and emotions. Now, I find myself in the same emotional space that she once occupied. Effective pud baya for coping ang pagshare nako ug stories about my father, nakahatag sya ug comfort and reassurance that his memories will forever live on within me, that death may be powerful, but it cannot destroy my thoughts and memories of my father.
Kani jud ang pinakastrange sa tanan, after his death, there are moments when I feel like I'm in an animated world where I find myself floating in a distant galaxy, gazing at an endless thread of time that represents the age of the universe then reflecting on how the 33 years, 6 months, 7 days that I spent with Papix were actually just a tiny fraction compared to the 26.7 billion-year vast timeline of the universe, you get my point? Literal nga period ra jud ning “period” that I am going through. Then I would zoom back in, return to my reality where time seems to slow down, and right here in this very moment, I am again overwhelmed by this grief that feels never-ending. Amazing noh? Kadali ra man unta jud sya, pero nganong langan.
Then there are also moments that Papa’s death make me afraid of losing someone else, nga tungod ani mafeel nako ang future-sadness sa present time. The idea of my loved ones going through the same pain and suffering also scares me a lot. I feel a strong fear that this could and would happen to Owen, Zk and Rn. But I've come to realize that maybe, we all have different ways of dealing with such experiences (in distaaaant future). But I truly hope that nobody has to go through what I've been through--especially them.
But mostly, these past few months, I have been questioning life's purpose, searching for its meaning. If we live only to die, why do I have to be conscious of it? I can't count how many times I've resorted to different literature in an attempt to comprehend this. And when I am in that state of questioning, I try my best to balance my religious beliefs, scientific understanding, philosophical assumptions, and reality perception based on simulation theory. But in the end, I realize that these thoughts will die with me. I mean, gadungag ra jud sa ginaproseso sa akong brain (100% utilization), pero diba, makahibulong man jud ang life and death.
However, I am more inclined to believe that in the afterlife, regardless of how much I question and ponder on these things, all of these complexities won't matter anymore. In the next dimension, there are no intricate problems to solve. The death of my father has actually led me to merge all my belief systems into a singular outcome - the concept of Light. And kabalo ko kung naa pa si Papa karon, he would enthusiastically delve into this topic, and we would engage in one of the most mind-blowing discussions ever.
As a Catholic, I find guidance in John 8:12, "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life.'" This passage suggests that I can experience the light of God's presence and have eternal life with Him. When I attend church, it's when I feel the strongest connection to Papix's light, most especially when Archbishop Valles mentioned in one of his homilies that we should not worry about the dead because they are no longer bound to the physical material realm and that they are free from the limitations and constraints of our earthly existence. While this may translate to Papa completely leaving everything behind, including his knowledge of us, that's okay, for I know that he is now in eternal bliss with the light.
Philosophically, my religious belief aligns with the concept that light symbolizes a higher level of existence. It represents a transition from our earthly existence to an afterlife, where we are illuminated by divine knowledge. I remember after Papa's death, I asked my husband, Owen, where Papa could be. Although we both still don't have a definite answer, it brings me comfort to believe that Dr. Bustamante now has access to everything. In the afterlife, he is now all-knowing, surpassing any earthly knowledge or accomplishments he made, even more significant than his CESE and PhD degree, I must say.
In scientific terms, specifically referencing the law of energy conservation, although my physical body will be no longer here after death, the energy that was once a part of me would still exist. It cannot disappear or be created out of nothing, it takes on different forms within the energy systems of the universe. This concept also brings me comfort, especially because my father and I had discussed it before. Like me, he was interested in this idea that we somehow continue to exist in a different form. Remembering this conversation brings me a sense of peace, knowing that he knew and I believe that his energy continues to exist somewhere within the universe.
Logically, I attempted to inquire about my father’s current state via chatGPT, hoping that there's some glitch in my simulated reality. Unfortunately, my loop is bug-free that the AI did not provide any answers. Could someone hack into the Westworld’s Rehoboam, please? \W/
While I have all these existential questions, I am still amazed by the NOW moments I spend with my family. After Papa's death, life has allowed me to recognize a deeper appreciation for the times I share with my family. I have also learned to adjust my expectations and navigate through negative aspects. After all, negative feelings hold little significance in the grand scheme of things, akong ultimate goal is to depart from this life with a radiant Light guiding my way.
Sa katapusan, life remains a mystery to me, maski man siguro sa uban. It is a puzzle that I cannot solve, and my questions have yet to find perfect answers. I hope to live long enough to unravel its mysteries, but at the same time, recognize the constraints of time. Just like Papa Percy, who I never imagined would only have 63 years to experience this reality that we’re in, I must anticipate that death is a possibility at any moment, that it is a natural part of life, just as birth is. While these thoughts may not matter in the end, I find peace in knowing that my insignificance in this universe significantly means to few others. My personal quote remains unchanged---consciousness is an extraordinary chance to grasp the meaning of time and experience...even more so after September 24th 🤍.
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